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i remember when i was that guy. - if you can't be witty, then at least be bombastic [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
kyle cassidy

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i remember when i was that guy. [Nov. 9th, 2015|07:40 am]
kyle cassidy
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

So, we've got a house full of college students whose balcony is right by our bedroom window. Like many college students, they're completely nocturnal so they're often out there at 3 or 4 in the morning, smoking, drinking, singing, and throwing up and during the fall we usually have the window open so it's like they're practically in our room, smoking -- because they're actually only three feet away, but they think they're completely alone in the world.

We only know them by their voices, but we've named them there's Puker, the Philosopher and Daisy. Twice during the fall Puker has gotten really sick over the balcony in long, extended vomiting sessions, once with the Philosopher sitting with him and nonstop wondering if people on other stars were looking at them.

Anyway, last week at 3:30 in the morning I'm jolted awake by Puker screaming: "MY HEAD! MY HEAD! MY F@#$ING HEAD!" and then this horrible cry like he'd been stabbed. I shot bolt upright in bed.

"What! What's wrong!" says the Philosopher.
"My head!" screams Puker, "My head! I saw the future!"
"What?!"
"I'm psychic! I've been psychic ever since I was a little kid!" Clouds of cigarette smoke drift into the bedroom.
"Oh my God!" says the Philosopher.
"Sometimes I see the future! And it hurts! It hurts so bad! Aaaaagh! Aaaaagh! I'm seeing the future!" (they're both really drunk.)
"Oh my God!" says the Philosopher again.
"Aaaaaaaagh!" wails Puker as another vision of tomorrow tears through his skull, "I KNOW HOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"

At this point I've whipped out my phone and I'm trying to record this gem but I'm so sleep starved I can't figure out how to make the recorder work.

Instead of asking how he dies the Philosopher says "Do you ever wonder about people who are suffering? Like, we're very comfortable, we have a house and sh!t and there are some people who don't have a place to sleep."

"I can't unsee the future!" Puker wails, "It's a curse!" obviously he wants to talk about his magic powers but he can't hook the Philosopher. He flings his cigarette in an arc into the back yard and goes back inside. The Philosopher drops a beer can after it and follows him back in.






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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: rayvyn2k
2015-11-09 02:44 pm (UTC)
This is hysterical. Except for them waking you up and being general jerks next door.

Keep jotting these down. You can use this material for a future project...get a cartoonist to illustrate these little scenarios and put out a book.

Thanks for the giggle this morning.
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[User Picture]From: rayvyn2k
2015-11-10 12:44 am (UTC)
I think there might be some issue with publishing their actual photos in a book, but YMMV. I still like the comic idea. :)
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[User Picture]From: girlguitarist
2015-11-09 06:45 pm (UTC)
Normally I want to go all crotchety old person on these types of people, but their conversations like this would make it way more bearable. This is fantastic!
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[User Picture]From: sheilagh
2015-11-10 12:12 am (UTC)
you were that guy? hard, hard to believe.

how did you manage to /evolve/ so far?
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[User Picture]From: everville340
2015-11-10 03:45 am (UTC)
This is more priceless than a MasterCard commercial.
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[User Picture]From: coffeeem
2015-11-10 04:32 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I didn't know anyone like that ever. (*cough*) I'm laughing so hard right now...
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[User Picture]From: linkaesthetic
2015-11-11 01:20 am (UTC)
This is the best. haha!

I once had a guy try to convince me that he doesn't show up in photographs, was secretly a warewolf and that he built a full-scale viking ship when he was 9 years old... with his bare hands. He was as serious as a heart attack.

I agree with one of the commenters above me - keep writing these down, also sorry you live next to college buttholes.
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[User Picture]From: devotdsatellite
2015-11-13 09:25 am (UTC)
you always get the interesting neighbors.
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[User Picture]From: sweetandsnarky
2015-11-23 06:41 pm (UTC)
I have always been a very quiet person, so I can't claim that I was ever "that guy (or girl)". I have neighbors across an alley behind me that are college students and they open their garage half way and skateboard at 3 AM. It is the perfect conditions to create an echo chamber/noise canon pointed directly at my bedroom window. I would so much rather have these hilarious conversations happening instead of being jarred awake by skateboard death racket.
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