kyle cassidy (kylecassidy) wrote,
kyle cassidy

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leni riefenstahl, jill greenberg,sally mann and kyle cassidy walk into a bar ....

Someone just forwarded this to me -- it's a post I made to the Leica Users Group a year and a half ago after noticing that bringing up any of three photographers was bound to start a fight. Now that Jill's in the news for her despicable behavior w/ John McCain, I give you this tale of debauchery that is 100% true.*

Leni wants something, but she'll only speak German, so the bartender keeps ignoring her, but she's getting beligerant.

"A round of Loud Mouth Soup!" I bellow over the excessive music, which I suddenly notice is "ABBA", at volumes not recommended by the makers of the sound system, I'm sure. On top of the disco syncopations is a rhythmic flatulence of an over driven speaker, possibly with a hole in it.

"Do something about this goddamn music!" I shout to Sally, she starts fishing around in her gigantic purse and heads over to the jukebox. Meanwhile, the bartender produces four frosted glasses and pours gin in them indiscriminately from a bucket. A lot of it splashes on the bar.

"I'm all out of olives," he yells, throwing a shiny penny in each of the drinks before pushing them towards us, "and vermouth. That'll be --" he thinks a minute, his eyes rolling back in his head before popping back like cherries on a slot machine, "eighty dollars."

"Eighty what?!" I exclaim, "that better be Canadian."

"You want to hang with the ponies, you gotta live with the horses," he says, staring into my eyes.

The music suddenly stops and the bar is dead silent in the split second that I yell "What the hell does that mean?" at the top of my voice. All heads turn towards me. I look around embarrassed. The other patrons eye me like I've shown up at a funeral in a clown suit. Sally looks over from the juke box and presses a button. Some hideous country and western song begins yodling through the sound system and everybody turns back to their drinks.

"Eighty dollars," says the bartender again.

Suddenly, completely without warning Jill reaches across the bar and slaps him hard in the side of the head, the bartender reels back with a look of complete astonishment on his face as Jill snaps his photo with an old Crown Graphic she was hiding behind her back. The bulb makes a POP! noise audible over the music and we're all momentarily blinded. The bartender shakes his head and Jill ejects the bulb onto the floor and loads another one.

"Thanks gramps," she says.

"To hell with this dump," Leni says, twirling around on the bar stool and tossing an empty martini glass over her shoulder, "Let's go to Courtney Love's party, there's bound to be more action there."

How should I react?

a) Say, "No, let's sit around here and photograph one another, I have a Noctilux!"
b) Say, "Yeah, that sounds good. I already blew all my cash on four drinks."
c) Slap Jill Greenberg
d) Ask Sally what she wants to do
e) Answer in fake German, to see if I can make Leni go mad thinking she's
forgotten how to speak her native language\

* 100% is an estimate which may or may not be correct.

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