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*** CONTEST *** What would Batman do? - if you can't be witty, then at least be bombastic [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
kyle cassidy

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*** CONTEST *** What would Batman do? [Jul. 10th, 2012|09:00 pm]
kyle cassidy
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |lana del rey or mazzy star, not sure which]

So ... last week I was waiting to cross the street when an SUV pulled up at the corner, the window came down, and a woman flung a dirty diaper out. It rolled to a stop by my feet.

Clickenzee if, for some reason, you need to see this diaper larger.

I was a bit stunned. I don't think I know anybody who wouldn't pack a gum wrapper out 15 miles to recycle it. I wanted to say something and there were many candidates, but none of them seemed helpful. Instead, I held out my phone and snapped a photo of the diaper.

The woman in the SUV saw me take the photo. She leaned out of her car, gave me the finger and drove off.

I realized I was searching for the words that Batman would use were he standing there on the corner and someone lobbed a dirty diaper at his feet.

So I give you this contest.

In no more than 300 words, tell me what Batman would say if someone threw a dirty diaper out their car window while he was watching. You can be descriptive if you'd like and add narration if that'll help your story.

Winner gets an 8x12 or a 4x6 (your choice) of this wonderful photo of Jared Axelrod (as Batman) taking out the trash at the Hall of Justice.

Clickenzee to Embiggen!

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[User Picture]From: dd_b
2012-07-11 01:03 am (UTC)
If I'd been fast enough, I'd snap a photo of the SUV. Ideally including the license plate.
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[User Picture]From: kylecassidy
2012-07-11 01:33 am (UTC)
I posted the diaper photo to Twitter where it was well received. They've all seen photos of SUV's before.
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[User Picture]From: dd_b
2012-07-11 01:46 am (UTC)
The photo of the diaper is certainly the way to show the incident happened. The photo of the SUV might be used to identify the perpetrator.
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[User Picture]From: niamh_sage
2012-07-11 07:27 am (UTC)
Haha! Brilliantly put :D
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[User Picture]From: briansiano
2012-07-11 01:36 am (UTC)
"I'm Batman, and this diaper's load is going back up _someone's_ ass. It can be yours, or your kid's. Decide."
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[User Picture]From: scoutcat
2012-07-11 06:40 am (UTC)
second that!
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[User Picture]From: niamh_sage
2012-07-11 07:28 am (UTC)
Yep, love this.
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[User Picture]From: small_chicken
2012-07-11 01:58 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: katbcoll
2012-07-11 01:39 am (UTC)
I don't know Kyle. I'm not sure The Batman would say anything. I think he'd just shoot a harpoon-type dealiebob out of the Batmobile, pull the SUV back, haul her butt out of the car and make her pick it up. You know, because he's Batman. *shrugs*

I am with dd_b, ya should have gotten an identifying picture of her car. That way everyone would know who the evildoer was.
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From: elusis
2012-07-11 02:18 am (UTC)
People do the most appalling things with dirty diapers. Throw them in parking lots, leave them behind in fitting rooms. I walked into my local taqueria a few months ago and first smelled, then spotted a used diaper thrown in the plant stand right by the front door. I alerted the staff that they, regrettably, might want to clean it up right away because being greeted by the smell of poo does little for one's appetite.

What stuns me is the thought process here. "This smells disgusting. I don't want it in the car with me smelling things up. I know, I'll leave it in a public place where it can gross out many people, as long as it's not me!"
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[User Picture]From: sheilagh
2012-07-11 02:30 am (UTC)
Not Batman, but "You forgot to throw the SHIT out of the car!"
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[User Picture]From: ehowton
2012-07-11 03:26 am (UTC)
"I'm Batman."
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[User Picture]From: stachybotrys
2012-07-11 04:48 am (UTC)
"Holy scat, Robin! Did you see that woman just throw that soiled butt napkin out of her car window?!"
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[User Picture]From: spacedlaw
2012-07-11 05:08 am (UTC)
What is this shit?

Not sure this is Batman-y as I am no expert but, hey...
A mind boggling event for sure.
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[User Picture]From: elektra
2012-07-11 06:07 am (UTC)
The Adam West version of Batman would have snapped on rubber gloves (from his utility belt) over his bat-gauntlets, carefully picked up the diaper and put it in a plastic bag (also from his utility belt), removed the gloves, disposed of them in the bag, and sealed the bag. Then he would have carefully spray-disinfected the ground, very methodically.
Next he would have hopped in the Batmobile, chased down the perpetrator, pulled her over, handed her the neatly sealed plastic bag, and said, "Excuse me, Citizen, I believe you dropped this. Littering is a crime in Gotham City."
Then he would have turned and walked away.
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[User Picture]From: ehowton
2012-07-11 01:13 pm (UTC)
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From: caudelac
2012-07-11 02:40 pm (UTC)
I have to vote for this.
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[User Picture]From: daisybliss
2012-07-11 07:20 am (UTC)
I'm pretty sure most people wouldn’t dare to throw a dirty diaper out of their car window while Batman was watching.

However I happen to know that when they do.. he raises an eyebrow, nods almost imperceptibly, and quietly says “Thank you”. He then waits until the car disappears out of sight.. at which point he picks up the dirty diaper, tucks it inside his boot, then drives home at bat speed (or trundles along casually - depending on his mood at the time and whether he's wearing socks).

Upon arriving back at the cave, he adds the new acquisition to his existing pile of dirty diapers that he’s been meticulously collecting from environmentally irresponsible people all over the world for the last six months - a pile towering over sixty feet tall and twice as wide, sitting inside an enclosed receptacle constructed from a bulletproof odour inhibiting material made specifically for this purpose - then quietly goes about the rest of his day.

Then at the end of the year, on Operation Diaper Day (which has become tradition at Wayne Manor), he gets together with Alfred (and, occasionally, the cat) to come up with a brilliant solution to the question "But Batman, what are you going to do with a year’s worth of dirty diapers?". And although he lives in hope, he's not sure he'll ever top 2006's masterpiece- the Cloud Gate sculpture in Chicago - which unbeknown to the hundreds of people who visit it daily is actually made entirely from a year's worth of dirty diapers (the diapers of course having gone through a top secret process to modify their molecular structure then meld them into shape) Who knew diapers would turn out to be so shiny when polished, right? Batman knew, because he's a kickass recycler.
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[User Picture]From: indigo_spice
2012-07-12 02:54 am (UTC)
This is my vote for the win.
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[User Picture]From: niamh_sage
2012-07-11 07:30 am (UTC)
I'm not Batman, but I'd just toss that nappy right back through her window. Grrrr.
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From: peter-w-morgan.myopenid.com
2012-07-11 12:11 pm (UTC)

Roll on, baby.

Batman would put the diaper under the front wheel of the car. And step back. Irony always rocks iron.
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[User Picture]From: midnightstation
2012-07-11 02:00 pm (UTC)
He would stand in front of the car until it stopped. When the window was rolled down he would Thrust his fist with the dirty diaper into the face of the driver ad say, "You dropped this." Then he would drop it in their lap. Then he would say, "Littering is a crime. Have a nice day."

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[User Picture]From: ammitnox
2012-07-11 04:04 pm (UTC)
"Are you retarded or something? I'm the goddamn Batman."

Edited at 2012-07-11 04:05 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: Kara DeCarlo
2012-07-11 05:25 pm (UTC)
Citizen! Your lack of compliance with the social contract is appalling. I will serve you justice in the form of a truckload of trash on your doorstep!
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From: jess_faraday
2012-07-11 06:46 pm (UTC)
"Excuse me, Citizen. You can't just leave that shit laying around."
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[User Picture]From: lawbabeak
2012-07-12 12:00 am (UTC)
I would have surreptitiously attached a GPS device to the van, had Oracle track it to her home, and leave the stinker on her doorstep ala that money guy he grabbed from Asia in the last movie.
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[User Picture]From: isafantasy
2012-07-12 01:40 am (UTC)
"A new villain was in town, Dirty Bottom, and, I, Batman, knew I was the only who could track him down. Keeping Gotham City clean was my main priority."

Edited at 2012-07-12 01:44 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: gategrrl560
2012-07-12 05:36 am (UTC)
Batman, with Robin riding shotgun, swoops over the Offending Object in the Batjet while deploying the Street Cleaner Disinfectifier Claw.

Offending object seized, our heroes fly over the SUV.

Batman pushes the release mechanism.

SPLAT!!! The Offending Object dumps its contents across the SUV and into the open window.

ROBIN: Holy Shit Batman! A direct hit!

BATMAN: Yes Boy Wonder. Keeping our streets free of offending debris may not be the most impressive duty. But it just may be the most karmically rewarding. To the Batcave!
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[User Picture]From: themouseketeer
2012-07-13 06:57 pm (UTC)
Walks over to SUV window. Taps on glass and smiles sweetly, indicating to roll the window down. "You dropped this." ::drops into lap, mucky side down.::

Walks away.

Been there, seen it done (my dad, with a tar covered cigarette packet, in a traffic jam. My friend with a dirty diaper dropped into a farm yard. You should have stuck with the *baby* pooh, lady!)
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